~I didn't write this, my boyfriend Kyndall did.~
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bored and overcome with insomnia, i searched desperately for something to do to pass the time. i came across an old journal from two years ago, that i had stashed away in an old box full of my school stuff that had been shoved under the bed and nearly forgotten about. i opened it up for the first time in over two years to see that big bubbly handwriting i recognized as my own. for someone who enjoys writing so much, i didn't have many entries. i read a few, but didn't get all the way through it because one entry in particular distracted me from the rest. i will share it with you.
january 3, 2005
i don't know why i am here. in this cold dark apartment, alone in a city where i know no one. i have no one to love me, to hold me, to tell me they care. i wanted so badly, more than anything to go back to school and now that i'm here, i regret that decision more deeply than i have ever in my life regretted anything. i just spent yet another christmas completely alone. i lost everything because of that decision. my family, my friends. and now i am far away from everything i once knew. i have no way of ever getting back. i have no money, i am hungry, i haven't eaten for two days, but i can't find a job that will work around my class schedule. no one here likes me, or even if they do i don't notice. i have lost all hope, all cares and all the will to live. what are my reasons for going on?.....i am afraid....i have none....
as depressing as that was, that is my actual word for word journal entry. i think about it for a long time, remember how i felt back then. i remember that i had cried so hard as i was writing that entry. i honestly felt i had no reason to go on. looking back on it now though, i realize...i did have a reason. i didn't know it at the time, but i had a very good reason. i sit back in my chair after reading this journal entry, scanning our apartment, that question i had asked myself years ago replaying itself through my mind.
what are my reasons for going on?
i see a cd case sitting on the desk, but not just any cd case, this one has my face on the cover, along with the faces of my friends. saranghae, it says in big bold letters. next to it a bundle of white fluff is soundly asleep, purring contently. i keep scanning. a photo album. old and worn because i look at it so often. it contains some of my most prized posessions...photo's of my friends. i open it and flip through randomly seeing the faces of so many who are dear to me, an old one of me and ian, mark and joey holding hands, leesa and chuck smiling...so many of them...all so special to me. i know i am getting closer to answering that question that has been haunting me for years...
what are my reasons for going on?
i continue looking around the small apartment, the question still repeating itself over and over in my mind. suddenly my eyes stop, there it is. i stare, drawing in every little detail. curled up almost into a ball, knees drawn up to his chest, one of his favorite sleeping positions. blankets are tangled haphazardly around his body. he clenches them in his fists, as if holding onto them for dear life. i smile as i continue to look at him as he sleeps. eyes closed and hair mussed and going every which way, slightly damp with perspiration, a thin line of what can only be described as drool, tracing the way from his full lips all the way down his chin to the pillow. still i think he is the most beautiful person that i have ever seen. i feel something wet on my face and i realize that i am crying, and wonder when i had started. i smile, this time they are happy tears. i have found what i have been searching for for so very long. i look down at him again as he mumbles something incomprehendable in his sleep. the question no longer repeats itself in my mind. i have found my reasons for going on...
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